please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
