someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
