ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
