Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I'm going to jail i love you
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
