We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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