My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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