I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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