Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
