She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Randomize
