Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
