My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
it was like eating out sand paper
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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