yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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