Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
