i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
