I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".