Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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