Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
