I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
