I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
