I feel like I'm in dance class right now
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
