So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
