I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
false alarm, still single
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