god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
