nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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