i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
When are your genitals available?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
