Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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