I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
