I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
