I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
