Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
