you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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