you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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