Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
