I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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