i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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