every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize