The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
it hurts more in the daytime
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
