So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
