Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
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Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
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I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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