i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
