he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
