I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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