I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
