My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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