how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
