i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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