this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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