Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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