there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
