if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You are the jesus of drinking
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
