I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
