YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
