I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
