nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
