Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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