gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
