My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
