I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
