why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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