i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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